Life

Tom Petty - You Don't Know How it Feels Let me run with you tonight I'll take you on a moonlight ride There's someone I used to see But she don't give a damn for me But let me get to the point, let's roll another joint And turn the radio loud, I'm too alone to be proud You don't know how it feels You don't know how it feels to be me People come, people go Some grow young, some grow cold I woke up in between A memory and a dream So let's get to the point, let's roll another joint Let's head on down the road There's somewhere I gotta go And...

I go from being happy for her, to being mad at her, to extreme sadness, to downright depression. I hate this.

Kari is leaving on the 11th of August. Just over two weeks away. My heart is breaking. I keep trying to tell myself that this will be good for her and for Gayla and me. I'm a liar.

I need to start living my life again instead of just existing.

Beginning the very difficult process of letting go.

I'm tryin'...but I'm failing. I can't believe how hard it is to stay positive. It's very hard. Give me strength.

I was watching Biography Channel last night and there was a promo commercial about a biography of Elton John. So during the promo, there were various quotes by Sir Elton himself. I don't remember exactly what he said but one thing really made me stop what I was doing and look up. He was talking about his life and his music, and he ended the sentence with "...that's the way I live my life". What? The way you live your life? You mean you have a choice?? I guess the thing is, I've never thought that I actually "live my life"...

Remember this feeling. Remember this attitude. Remember this......this person. This is me. Not the person I've been. The person that is really inside. A man. Confident. Strong. Me. Remember this! It's imperative. That other person is not me. It's what they've made me. It's what they've tried to make me. It ain't happening. Now go forward. Not backward. Forward. Remember who you really are. Be who you really are. Come here often. Remember this feeling. Remember this person. Be that person.

I thought it would be easier once they were adults. I thought all the little things would go away. I can't separate myself from my kid's problems. If they have a problem, I have a problem. I guess I should be glad they tell me about them and come to me for help. But the thing is, they move on from their troubles and I cannot. I've got to learn how to do that because its affecting me a lot. I'm a mental mess.

It's been a very tough year so far. It's been one thing after another. When will some good times come? When will it get easier? When will they be able to take care of themselves? I'm only one man. I can't do it all. I can't be right all the time. I'm pretty much at my wit's end. I can't take much more.

My baby's home safe and sound. It was a very rough weekend and I never want to go through that again. It is no fun having one of your kids in the hospital. I have never felt so useless and out of control. The good thing is, it wasn't her heart. All the tests came back showing that her heart is fine. Great news. They said it could be caused by dehydration and something with a Vagus Nerve? I'm not sure what that is. She's going to follow up with her doctor and with a cardiologist. I'm just glad she's ok.

Yesterday was a rough day. Kari was having chest pains again and also felt faint so we took her to the emergency room at Oakwood hospital. They admitted her for tests. Something is causing her heart to beat irregularly and inefficiently. They said it could be a number of different things that would cause this. Please let this be some chemical imbalance and not her heart itself. The doctor didn't really say anything about it being her heart. He said it could be caused by dehydration, electrolytes, and even carbon monoxide. So I'm hopeful that it's something like that an...

So, the day before yesterday, my younger daughter is complaining of chest pains. Chest pains and pain in her left arm! She's 24. Twenty four and she has the classic symptoms of a heart attack. I can't stand it. I tried to get her to go to the hospital but she wouldn't go. I should have carried her out but I didn't. Yesterday she went to the see a doctor. The doctor ordered an EKG and it came back abnormal. Now I'm scared. She also ordered a full blood work up and set up an appointment with a cardiologist. Today my daughter...

My mom was a Price Is Right fanatic. She taped the show every single day and watched it when she got home from work. She absolutely loved that show. In the early 80's, I think it was 1982 or 1983, she flew to Los Angeles to try and be on the show. And guess what? "Berniece McLeod! Come on down!" Check it out, it's pretty awesome!

Powerless. That's how I feel. Powerless. I've never felt so out of control in my entire life. I feel as if I have no power over anything in my life.

Well, here we go. Another year. 2010. Wow. It seems like just yesterday we were all waiting for the computers of the world to crash on Y2K. There's a lot I want to do this year. A lot. Let's get crackin'. Thankfully I don't feel like Woody here today!

I've said in the past, and I still feel the same now, that I don't want grandkids right now. Yes, one day of course, but not in the very near future. I have my reasons and I still think they're valid, but I won't go into that here. Last night, Gayla and I were flipping through the channels because there was absolutely nothing on television. She and I have totally different tastes in TV shows anyway but last night there was nothing on that either of us liked. We stumbled onto "How the Grinch Stole Christmas". The original cartoon version. This...

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 50. Fifty. The big five oh. A half century! Right smack dab in the middle of middle age. Sigh.

Today, I am choosing to be happy. I will be in a great mood. I will get a lot of work done. I'm going to enjoy the day.

I think I would have liked to be a teacher. This is awesome and sums up this grossly underpaid profession pretty well.  

I wrote earlier that I'm in dire need of change. I still don't know what that change is, but I do know that I want to be a part of something. Something big. Something very public. Something everyone knows about and likes. Heh, yeah, I know. Who doesn't want that? But I also want something of my own. Something that is mine and I can be proud of. Something to work on. To make it big. To make it public. What that is, I have no idea. I'm sure it will probably turn out to be some kind of business. Something...

Kari and I are going to start a design company. We've talked about it for a while but have never really done anything about it. Well, it's time to get our butts in gear. We talked today for a bit and it's a go. We'll do web and print design, logos, etc.,  and hopefully some programming. Now we need a name, domain name, web site, logo, and business cards. Oh yeah, and customers! Stay tuned.

It's been a helluva week. It started out really good. I took Monday off and went for a ride with Marty, Tim, Johnny, and Jeff. The weather was well, half-way decent and it's probably going to be the last long ride of the season. I hope not but the weather is definitely not cooperating. We started out at The Yacht Club in Livonia and then made our way to The South Lyon Hotel. It was a cool old place. I guess it was actually a hotel back in the day. Looked like an old western saloon. From there we took off...

Ride safe. Ride often.

I'm in dire need of change. But how does one change when one doesn't know what to change? Something is missing but I don't know what it is.

Happy 30th Gayla Sue! Here's to 30 more. I love you.

Today is Jamie's birthday and like every year we're having a backyard BBQ of hamburgers from Norman's Market and hot dogs. I think it's her favorite since that's what she wants to do every year. Grandma, Staci, Kari and Bryan, Brandon, and Brandon's parents will all be here. Jamie's and Kari's puppies, Bishop and Brody, will also be here. Poor Koders. We invited Greg and Dawn but haven't heard if they'll be coming. I have to put on a good act today though as I'm extremely upset with and mad at both the girls. Nevertheless, it will be a good time. I...

Happy birthday Dad. I really miss you.

Ahhh, Me Mudder When me prayers were poorly said Who tucked me in me widdle bed And spanked me till me ass was red, Me Mudder! Who took me from me cozy cot And put me on the ice cold pot And made me pee when I could not, Me Mudder! And when the morning light would come And in me crib me dribbled some Who wiped me tiny widdle bum, Me Mudder! Who would me hair so neatly part And hug me gently to her heart Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart, Me Mudder! Who looked at me with eyebrows...

I miss you.

Would love to ride this. At least into Texas. I don't think I'd want to go all the way to N'awlins. http://tinyurl.com/ceenlf

<knockingOnWood>I rarely get sick.</knockingOnWood> But I've been sick for that last five days. Sore throat, coughing, achy, and extremely tired. I could fall asleep at any moment. Today is the worse day yet. My throat is really sore. I'm still coughing and now my chest, back, and sides are sore from it. Ugh. I stayed home today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. UPDATE: So it turns out I had bronchitis. I finally went to see the doctor and got some medication. Even got a shot which I haven't had since I don't know when. After 15 days, I'm finally able to...

I hate money. I hate that the world revolves around it. I hate that we need it so badly. I hate that we need so much of it. I hate that when we only have a little of it all we want is more and that when we have more of it it makes us do stupid things. I hate that when we think we have enough, something always happens that makes us need more. I hate that we penalize people by charging them money and that it's the act of having to pay the money that hurts us and not the...

I don't know who these people are but this is the ride I want to go on. Very cool song too. Might have to download it!

Looks like I'm going to Minnesota again this year for a another great time playing golf. I booked my flights tonight. It's gonna be a crazy, busy, summer. A bike trip up to Randy's place, golf in Minnesota, golf up north with my boss, my golf league. Hopefully there will be plenty of bike rides too. The big question is. Where's all the money coming from??

I found out yesterday that one of my best friends has cancer. "Non Hodgkins Lymphoma". I hate it. Cancer. My biggest fear. I hate you cancer. Fight it Denny. Fight it hard. You can beat it. Others have. You can too brother. Fight it hard. I'll help anyway I can.

Busy day today. But not rushed busy. Just out doin' things busy. After getting the house in order this morning Kody and I went and got my truck washed, put some air in the tires, and had the oil changed. When we came home, I got a bucket of warm water and my artificial shamois and wiped the truck down. I'll tell ya, it's a nice sunny day but it's still colder than hell out there! So with the truck all set, I decided to fire up my bike since I haven't started it all winter. Of course the battery was dead....

I used to work at my uncle's restaurant when I was in high school. My mom worked there too as a waitress/kitchen prep/banquet server/you name it. It was a restaurant/banquet hall and he also did catering to other halls. It was a very successful business. He had the best BBQ ribs anywhere in the catering side of the business. I guess you could call them "double baked" because they were first cooked as a whole slab without any sauce and then cut up into pairs and baked again with the BBQ sauce on them. The meat fell right off the...

We already have eight to twelve inches of snow on the ground. We're getting another two to four inches today. Another inch or so tomorrow. We haven't been above freezing in weeks. Brutal winter. I hate Michigan. Horrible weather. The highest unemployment in the country. Downright crooks running Detroit costing everyone who lives here. Crime is insane. I want out. Badly. But I can't. Not right now. Sigh.

With the stock market in the toilet and the housing market right there with it, "The Bunch of Dummies" is thinking about buying a house or two and renting them out. Pretty exciting if you ask me. The time is definitely right. Hmmm. Have the dummies ever made a right move at the right time? Stick around and see what happens. Gayla and I just got back from looking at a little house in Garden City. It's pretty beaten up so we'd have to do some work but that is expected. Three bedroom ranch on a crawl space. 1248 square feet...

I just finished watching Easy Rider for the very first time. I know. It was only made in 1969. Whatever. I really enjoyed it though. I have to say I was quite surprised at the ending. Believe it or not I've never really heard anything about it except that it was worth a watch. It's hard to believe people were like that. There are probably still some people like that. Sad. Anyway, the beginning ride through the desert was just unbelievable! It is exactly what I want to do before I die. I will probably watch that part again. Freakin' awesome! Live by...

This came in the mail today. My girls got it for me for my birthday. It is one sweet shirt!  Slowly but surely my wardrobe is getting blacker. Gayla bought me a hydraulic jack for my bike. It's now safely jacked up off the ground and nicely tucked away for the winter. I even have more room in the garage now. Nice job on the presents guys! Love ya. </p></body></html>

In college, my favorite class was Astronomy. I absolutely loved it. This blows me away...

Check this out... Imagining the 10th Dimension Are you kidding me?? This guy needs another hobby. Personally? I think he's just making this stuff up as he goes along. Excuse me, I need an aspirin.

But I'm pretty darn sure I'll be on the losing team.

So we have a full size refrigerator in the garage that I use for beer and pop. It's usually pretty full because well, when we run out of beer we get more. Duh! Anyway, the other day Gayla threw a bunch of beer in there and it wasn't like, straight. You know, in rows and columns? All neat and tidy? So when I saw it I was like, what the hell? And then I straightened it all up. Everything at right angles ya know? She comes by later and takes a beer out. FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE ROW!!! So now,...

I went for a ride on my bike tonight. Nothing big, just around town here a bit and then stopped by my mother-in-laws for a quick beer and off again. I have to say that I. Am. Hooked. I've gotten to a point where I can really enjoy myself while I'm riding. I'm getting comfortable, but not too comfortable. I still look everywhere and will obviously continue to do so. But the funny thing is, the closer I get to my house, the more turns I make in the opposite direction! I just don't want to get off this thing...

Picked up the bike tonight. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. I didn't ride it home from the dealer. I went with a friend and he rode it home for me. We went by the local high school so I could test the waters and get used to the bike without any traffic. I drove around the school a couple of times and I was ready to go. I drove the bike back to my house which wasn't too far. It was unbelievable! We stood around the bike for a while in the driveway and shot the shit a little. My neighbor across the street...

Is that my name on that sold sign??? Oh yeah it is! I should get it on Tuesday. Somewhere, my mom and dad are probably very nervous.

I went to Motor City Harley-Davidson on Thursday to check out the bikes. I don't really want to buy a new one because they're so expensive so I mostly looked at their used bikes. This is a 2002 Heritage Softail Classic. Nice bike and in good shape. I wasn't sure about the colors when I was there but the more I look at these pictures, I've probably looked at them at least 100 time since then, the more I like the colors. The bike needs a new back tire and we asked the salesperson what his best price would be with a warranty...

I'm goin' to take a look at this tonight... http://www.motorcityharley.com/Bikes/Photos/582.jpg I've been looking like crazy but I keep coming back to that one. Must be fate? We'll see. Also, while I'm there, I might as well buy my first Harley-Davidson tee shirt.. I've always said, "I can afford the bike. It's all the Harley clothes you have to buy afterward that'll break you!".

Not the person. The office. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Yesterday I flew out of work and raced over to the Secretary of State to get my motorcycle endorsement. I walked in the door at 4:35 PM. They close at 5:00 PM. They have a little information desk and the woman behind it asked me what I was there for. I told her I was there for the endorsement. She looked at me like I was crazy. "We're not allowed to give the test out after 4:30." she said. What?! Are you kidding me??? Give me a break. There are at least 100...

I passed the tests! Sweet! Now it's off to the Secretary of State to take their little test and get my motorcycle endorsement. I'll probably do that either tomorrow or Wednesday since I have golf tonight. Uh oh. Now comes the hard part. I guess I gotta buy a bike.

I'm up early doin' some dba stuff for work and thought I'd post a little update on the motorcycle safety classes. All in all, I think yesterday went very well for me especially since I have never driven a motorcycle before. The only thing I had a little problem with was making a figure eight inside a box drawn on the pavement. You're supposed to do the turns without putting your feet down and you have to stay within the lines of the box. Give me a break. Can someone please tell me the "real world" application of this task? Anyone?...

Good news! I got in to the Motorcycle Safety Class! Last night was the classroom stuff and today and tomorrow are on the range. Riding! Well, kinda riding. Anyway, I've already had my first session on the bike and if I do say so myself, I was awesome! It didn't take long at all to become pretty comfortable even though I've never driven one before. I think one of the biggest things that you need to be able to do is know how to shift and work the clutch (IMO, working the clutch is huge!) and since I've had a few...

I haven't said much about it here, but I've been hinting about it to my family for some time now. Today, I guess I took the first step of this journey in buying a helmet. Tonight, I am going down to the local community college and try to get in the safety class. You can call it a mid-life crisis but I'm gonna have to disagree. Oh, don't get me wrong. There is definitely a "mid-life crisis" component. But that is not the whole of it. Instead, I prefer to think of it as I, along with my wife Gayla, have spent...

Happy birthday Dad. I miss you terribly.

I mentioned in a previous post about my "magic fertilizer" and what a great job it did on my lawn. Well, here's a before and after set that shows what it looked like last year  when no one lived here and what it looks like today. The before picture is from a Google Maps Street View image. Before... And After... Can you say "magic fertilizer"?

A couple of weeks ago "The Kode Man" and I were out front checkin' out the lawn, watchin' the sprinklers (I know, shut up), and having a beer after a long day of working in the yard. Sitting in the front yard by the way, is now Kody's absolute favorite thing to do. He actually comes to me and begs to go out and sit in the driveway! Strange. Anyway, it was a pretty decent day but we were due to have some storms because of a cold front that was coming through the area. I snapped these pictures as it...

Well my first week at Belle Tire is over. I have to say that I really think I'm going to like it there (fingers crossed!). It's pretty laid back and I can pretty much make my own hours. So far, I've been going in early so I can leave early. I was home by 5:00 every day last week and that was sweet! Another thing that we don't do there that I'm really happy about is keep track of our time. I know that sounds like a trivial item but at my last employer we had to track EVERY 15 MINUTES...

My friend and former co-worker has started blogging. He started a technology company named Hybrid Technology and Training Partners (HTTP for short) after leaving The Solutions Group where we both worked. So far, most, if not all of his posts are about the daily activities and growth of his business. I read nearly all of the posts today and I have to say it was pretty interesting. It doesn't hurt that Jeff has an incredible vocabulary and is quite the wordsmith. Anyway, Jeff does some great work and will treat you right. You should give him a call if you have...

It's been a crazy week/month/year! Besides buying a new house and trying to get it the way we like it, I've been job hunting, found a new job, will start my new job next Monday, been working on a web site for my daughter's company, and starting to work on a web site for my daughter's volleyball team. Oh and, not to mention working every damn day! Whew. Speaking of my new job, I'll be working for Belle Tire at the corporate headquarters as a developer in the IT department. I'm really looking forward to the change. It's been needed for a...

If only it were that easy. Hmpf.

My very good friend, and the person who got me my current job, was fired today. Not only that, but the long time number 2 man turned in his resignation today. Things have not been good for a while at the office. Cash flow is tight. The direction of the company has changed since I hired in. The project list is short and not very interesting. Interesting to me anyway. The weird thing about Ronda getting fired is that she said it happened right in the middle of a meeting! Like it was something that just occurred to the owner! I'm sure...

Very cool and somewhat depressing. I did the Life Expectancy Calculator and my virtual age is 59.8 and my life expectancy is only 64.2 years. I'm currently 48 years old. Yikes. The World Clock is pretty cool.

I’ve been thinking A LOT about my mom and dad lately. My mom died in 1993 and my dad in 1997. Cancer. Both of them. I wish they were here to see what a wonderful young woman Jamie has become. They would be so proud. I wish they were here to see Kari graduate from college. They would be so proud. I wish they were here to see our new house. They would’ve liked it. Before we moved in, I would be here (our new house) late at night painting by myself. I kept thinking that I would look up and see...

Happy birthday Mom. I love and miss you. Keith

Every year I have a Super Bowl party at Big K's Pub in my basement. This year, I'm in dire need of a winter trip. I'm thinking Vegas. For the Super Bowl. Vegas Baby! I'm thinking the sports book at Caesar's Palace. Watchin' the Superbowl on a TV as big as my house! Sound good? I think so. Book it!

My baby is going to graduate college this December with a graphic design degree. This morning we set up her web site and portfolio. She's very talented. And in need of a job! If you need some design work, you should give her a call. http://www.KariMcLeod.com

I'm color blind. I hate it. I couldn't even see the hyperlinks in my posts even though they are a different color than the rest of the text. So I decided to underline the links inside the post text. Are you color blind? Wanna find out? I'm also a little obsessive/compulsive. I've edited this little post about 5 times now!

- I can't believe it's August 1st already. The summer is half over. College football will be starting in roughly 3 weeks. We'll have 6 weeks of awesome fall weather and then the shit hits the fan. Six months of shitty weather. Sigh. - I'm working on a project that could potentially change my life. I really think that. But for some reason, I just can't get myself to focus and really get some work done. I'm sure it's because after spending eight FULL hours writing code at work, it's hard to come home and write more code. I have to...

When I was a kid, I don't ever remember snow on the ground for Easter. It was always warm. Now it seems that it's always cold and nasty. Even when the kids were little we always had to cover up their new Easter dresses with a big heavy coat when they were hunting Easter eggs. This is what we see out of our front door this morning. Snow. Snow and gray skies. And it's cold! The wind chill, yes, a wind chill in April, is 12 degrees. The high today is 31 degrees. Below freezing. We're starting the second week of...

I had posted earlier that Gayla's dad suffered an aortic aneurysm that had burst. I'm sorry to say that after two weeks, he didn't make it. We were so happy when he came through the surgery I guess we didn't want to think about how serious things were. Long story short, his organs started failing from the lack of blood flow. It was a horrible time. We had to decide when to remove life support. Even though I was at both my parent's side when they passed, they weren't on life support so this was my first experience with that....

It's official. We're going to Fort Lauderdale in June. The whole family is going, including boyfriends. We're going to a "casual wedding" that will be held on the beach. Sweet! Never been to one of those. Three months and counting...

I don’t know about you, but I use my debit card for pretty much everything and also pay all my bills online using online banking. The last book of checks I went through lasted me over a year and outside of a couple other things, the only checks I ever write are for bowling and my stock club. Because I rarely use my checkbook I don’t record any of my transactions in the check register so I never know how much money I have left in my account. Yeah, I can always go online and check my balance there, but...

It's been a very rough time for our family the past nine days. On Tuesday, December 12th, my father-in-law suffered an abdominal aortic aneurysm. Remarkably he has survived and is doing ok. There have been many ups and downs but we'll take every little victory we can get. After all, most people who have this don't even make it to the hospital. As of last night, he started opening his eyes and looking at us. It was wonderful to see. As I said, we'll take the small victories. Hang in there Dad. You're doing great.

This is a pretty cool site if you grew up around Detroit in the 50's, 60's, and/or 70's. Check it out. http://www.detroitmemories.com/

Saw this over at Noded. Pretty cool. HowManyOfMe.com ...

I've been looking forward to the Thanksgiving 4 day weekend for about a month now. It was really a great mini vacation and I couldn't ask for better weather. It's been in the upper 50's and sunny since Wednesday and it's near 60 today! Definitely unusual weather for November in Michigan. The bad thing is that I didn't do a damn thing except put my Christmas lights up on the house today. It was kind of a wasted weekend, but every now and then you need to sit back and do absolutely nothing. I did need some time to get my...