I go from being happy for her, to being mad at her, to extreme sadness, to downright depression. I hate this.

Kari is leaving on the 11th of August. Just over two weeks away. My heart is breaking. I keep trying to tell myself that this will be good for her and for Gayla and me. I'm a liar.

I need to start living my life again instead of just existing.

Bought an iPhone 4 yesterday! Won't get it for 7-10 days tho'. Hmph.

Beginning the very difficult process of letting go.

but I have some real man love for these guys.

Love these versions.

Haven't done this in a while...

Hey Jealousy - Gin Blosssoms
Space Truckin' - Deep Purple
Young Turks - Rod Stewart
Don't Do Me Like That - Mudcrutch version
Sara Smile - Hall and Oates
Heavy Metal - Sammy Hagar
My Way - Los Lonely Boys
Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Madman Across the Water - Elton John
Three Lock Box - Sammy Hagar
Easy Livin' - Uriah Heep
Saving Grace - Tom Petty
The Needle and the Damage Done - Neil Young
Crazy Circles - Bad Company
I Can't Tell You Why - The Eagles
A Woman In Love (It's Not Me) - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Blue on Black - Kenny Wayne Sheppard
All Summer Long - Kid Rock
Rock n Roll Jesus - Kid Rock
Stranglehold - Ted Nugent
Turn the Page - Metallica
Mother - Danzig
Fire Woman - The Cult
Bad Motor Scooter - Montrose
House of Broken Love - Great White
It's Not Over - Daughtry
I'll Be There For You - Bon Jovi
Wonderwall - Oasis

Great fuckin' tune. It's hard to find with Pete Ham singing. I got it. Lemme know if you want it.

I'm tryin'...but I'm failing. I can't believe how hard it is to stay positive. It's very hard. Give me strength.

I was watching Biography Channel last night and there was a promo commercial about a biography of Elton John. So during the promo, there were various quotes by Sir Elton himself. I don't remember exactly what he said but one thing really made me stop what I was doing and look up. He was talking about his life and his music, and he ended the sentence with "...that's the way I live my life". What? The way you live your life? You mean you have a choice??

I guess the thing is, I've never thought that I actually "live my life" a certain way. When I really think about it I do, but it occurred to me that a lot of the time my "life" rules the way I live; if that makes any sense. Probably the best way to sum it up is I let things happen to me instead of making things happen in my life. Of course, my daughters influence my life a lot. That comes with being a parent I guess. Still, it's probably not the best way to go through the short time we have here.

I've been thinking about this all damn day. I should probably make some changes.

So, do you "live your life" or does your life happen to you?

Remember this feeling. Remember this attitude. Remember this......this person. This is me. Not the person I've been. The person that is really inside. A man. Confident. Strong. Me. Remember this! It's imperative. That other person is not me. It's what they've made me. It's what they've tried to make me. It ain't happening. Now go forward. Not backward. Forward. Remember who you really are. Be who you really are. Come here often. Remember this feeling. Remember this person. Be that person.

I thought it would be easier once they were adults. I thought all the little things would go away. I can't separate myself from my kid's problems. If they have a problem, I have a problem. I guess I should be glad they tell me about them and come to me for help. But the thing is, they move on from their troubles and I cannot. I've got to learn how to do that because its affecting me a lot. I'm a mental mess.